We’ve all yearned for a mother-daughter relationship like Rory and Lorelai’s in Gilmore Girls. For those unacquainted with the series Gilmore Girls, Rory is a kind, introverted and studious girl who adores reading and focusing on her studies. On the other hand, her mother, Lorelai Gilmore, is bubbly, energetic, and a single mum. Together they are somewhat of the dream team or crème de la crème. The duo ‘go Dutch’ in a daily routine consisting of confessions over coffee, squabbling over what movie to watch, and gossiping about boys. Ultimately best friends before the title ‘mother and daughter’, the infamous two showcase a very endearing make-believe.
Fortunately, I have been lucky to experience a similar close relationship with my mum. She is my best friend. Always has and always will. We would stay up late to spill secrets, have ‘sleepovers’ in my bedroom, comfort each other through hardships and belly laugh as we danced ridiculously in the kitchen together. But as I’ve gotten older, changing from an angst teenager to a twenty-something young adult, I have noticed a shift in what once was. There seems to be an indefinable presence in the atmosphere that I don’t think we both have quite addressed.
I somehow feel as if I am leaving my mother behind as I grow older. That is metaphorically so to speak, as it is not intentional of course. I’ve gone through a few major life changes like getting a job, having a boyfriend, and graduating from university, so therefore I’m away from my home more. Whether I’m hanging out with my friends, staying with my boyfriend, working at my job, or being at university. I somehow feel a sense of guilt, grief, and longing inside me as I wave goodbye to the good ol’ days of being at home and in my mum’s pocket. Gone will be the days when my mum walks into my room and lies on my bed just for a chat. Eventually, she will become a call away rather than a few steps away. And that is difficult to accept.
Difficult for any daughter to accept. To experience a close mother-and-daughter relationship is truly a complex and significant relationship to experience. Woman to future woman. Teaching a little girl how to appreciate her skin, love herself, support herself, strive for the best, have confidence, and believe in herself. To laugh when you feel like laughing, dance when you feel like dancing, sing when you feel like singing. Embrace everything beautiful there is about being a woman.
The Journal of Neuroscience discovered that the bond between a mother and daughter is the strongest among parent-child relationships, significantly surpassing that of father and son.
“Mothers and daughters report deeper emotions, positive and negative, in their intergenerational relationships than fathers and sons.”
Of course, like all relationships, a relationship between mother and daughter is unavoidably rocky. I’ve learnt that there definitely are some phases you go through. From never ever wanting to leave her side, to arguing, to becoming a teenager and feeling embarrassed to be with your mum, to falling out, to being your best friend.
Something that resonates with me, and I’m sure for many other daughters, is that one heartwrenching scene in Mamma Mia! Depicting Donna brushing Sophie’s hair one last time before she is married off as they sing “slipping through my fingers” by ABBA together. The scene entails the whirlwind of heartache and pride a mother holds as she watches her daughter grow older, live her life, fall in love, and move away. The song truly encapsulates the final step per se of unhooking from a mother’s apron strings and moving forward into your journey of adulthood whilst reminiscing a time when daughters would only be leaving the door to go off to school.
The scene vividly illustrates how swiftly time passes and before we know it, we are out the door and embarking on our own adventure. It’s all too easy to overlook everything our mothers have done for us—their sacrifices and selflessness. They’ve always been by our side through thick and thin. As daughters, we often don’t realise all that they do, and before we know it, time passes, and we must let go of their hand to take care of ourselves.
A quote that stuck with me regarding this mindset, is one that was highlighted in the Barbie (2023) movie. Not only did the film highlight everything that is backwards about the system of the patriarchy, and the beauty standards portrayed by the infamous doll. But it explored motherhood in an unexpectedly good way.
The film’s most profound line, of many, puts things into perspective regarding mother-daughter relationships through the sweet and touching sentence delivered by Ruth Handler (the creator of Barbie) played by Rhea Pearlman.
“We mothers stand still, so our daughters can look back to see how far they've come”
These words have created somewhat of a mixed reaction from those who are uncertain about its implied meaning. So take it how you will, but I believe it is saying that there will come a time when mothers step back from their duty of mothering, to let go of their daughter’s hand so that their daughter can face the world, walk on their own, and navigate their own path.
Additionally, Barbie (2023) showcases a complicated mother-daughter relationship between Gloria (Mother) and Sasha (Daughter). Gloria just wants the best for her daughter yet Sasha pushes her mum away. She feels embarrassed to be dropped off at school by her mum, does not want to speak to her mum when she gets picked up from school and brushes away her mum’s affection. Displaying the messy and teenage-angst phase of being a teenager, their relationship appears to grow distant on Sasha’s part.
I hate to admit it, but I too was a little like that at one point as a teenager. It was a phase I outgrew, learning how not to let teenage angst control me. So thank you Mum for sticking through that phase with me!
At the end of Barbie (2023), a series of memorabilia clips highlights mothers and daughters playing with their mums, laughing together, being nursed for and cared for. Representing everything that motherhood is, this part of the film is the ultimate tearjerker. Just watching the footage made me think about my mum and the deep sense of nostalgia I feel about my childhood with her.
The time spent with your mother does not end once you grow older. It simply becomes more precious. I’ve heard some people say that their relationship with their mother just gets better, blossoming into something new. Of course, circumstances change and there comes a time when daughters turn into mothers, looking after their own children, then eventually their own mother. But I’m feeling hopeful rather than woeful for that future. I’m aware our relationship will change. I won’t be as near and nor will she. But time will be spent meeting up for many many catch-ups, hosting meals, going on dog walks together, and I’m sure she’ll be sleeping over at mine for some weekends if I have a spare bedroom!
I hope you have enjoyed reading this piece and perhaps feel some sense of familiarity too. I feel like I’ve felt quite alone in this feeling so it would be interesting to know whether there are any other daughters out there who feel the same way. Let’s have a chat in the comments!
Yours truly,
Ciara
Ciara this is stunningly written, it made me tear up!!! I'm really close with my mum as well and the thought that this relationship will change one day is inevitable but also heartbreaking. You've captured the complexity of mother-daughter relationships so beautifully, there's so many layers to it. A gorgeous gorgeous piece, I hope you're proud of it!!
this is amazing 🫶 i wish i was as close as you are to your mum! your thoughts on the barbie film were very fun to read on :)